Writing a blog is weird. You have some idea that you want to express, and you use declarative sentences that make it sound like you know what you’re doing. Meanwhile, you’re still going through your normal life, making mistakes, trying and failing to meet the bar that you describe.

One of the most important things I ask new team members is to tell me when I’m wrong. To correct me when I’m factually incorrect, to disagree when they have a different point of view, and to just generally treat me like a normal person who’s trying to figure out this life thing, just like everyone else.

It’s also true that I’ve been in the game for a long time, have had a lot of different experiences, been in a lot of different workplace situations, and even on occasion been in “the room where it happens.” There’s a lot of sausage making in management, and a common mistake individual contributors make is that management is anything at all like engineering. I’ve been managing teams of various sizes for the last quarter century, and it’s fair to say that I’ve learned a lot.

So, I know a lot, and I still screw up. This isn’t an either/or – both of these things can be true at the same time. Which brings me to a simple but important management lesson.

In What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, Marshall Goldsmith describes a variety of common ways in which we sabotage our own success. It’s a book aimed at senior executives looking to uncover weaknesses that are preventing them from developing trust, building relationships, and managing effectively. Great! the book says, you’ve made it this far. What’s preventing you from advancing further? There are a lot of big ticket items (e.g., playing favorites, not listening, passing the buck), and one curious little one: using the word “but”.

Who cares, right? “But” is just a simple conjunction doing its job, hooking up words and phrases and clauses. Except it isn’t, not really. The problem is that when you say “but”, you’re basically saying, “everything I said before this was a lie – I don’t actually believe any of that, I was just pretending to as a conversational ploy.”

So when you say, “You’re right, but…” you actually mean, “You’re wrong.”

“Yes, but…” means “No.”

“I agree, but…” means “I disagree.”

“It was my fault, but…” means “It wasn’t my fault.”

And of course, the mother of them all, “I’m sorry, but…” means “I’m not sorry.”

This might sound like some weird grammar rules lawyering, like getting bent out of shape over proper use of the Oxford comma. It isn’t. When you say “but”, you’re saying that the two halves of the sentence can’t both be true. And the weird thing is that everyone understands this. We all know you didn’t really mean the first part – you were just softening us up, paying lip service, managing the conversation, getting ready to convince us that you’re right and we’re wrong.

Goldsmith challenges his coaching clients to give up the word “but” (and “no” and “however”). It isn’t easy! Luckily, there are a couple of workarounds. The first is also the simplest – use “and” instead. Or “at the same time,” or “it’s also true that.” Or just put a period where you would have put “but”.

The important thing to recognize is that it’s possible for both ideas to be true at the same time. You’re doing great and there are some areas you should work on. I agree with what you’ve said – and I also have some concerns. Your point is valid – at the same time, there are some additional points to consider.

This is especially important when apologizing. “I’m sorry.” “I was wrong.” “I shouldn’t have done or said X.” Once you’ve said that you’re sorry, just stop. Stop talking. Never explain why it was actually ok for you to have done the thing. Never make excuses. Never get defensive. You think you’re making things better, explaining why it was ok to have failed, why you shouldn’t be held accountable, or – best yet – why the other person shouldn’t feel hurt by what you said or did. This always makes things worse.

Real apologies can have power, and avoiding the trap of “but” is hard. You want to justify yourself. You had good reasons. You were inside your own head, and you know what you were thinking. If only they could understand that too! If only you could make them understand. And so you try, and make things worse.

Never, ever, follow an apology with “but”. All it will do is tell the other person that you aren’t really sorry, and that you’re just using the word as a prop.

It can take a bit of practice, and a lot of self-observation. But I think it’s worth it.